Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
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I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.