People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
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Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Truth
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.