[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
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“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…