[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
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Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
me and the Superbowl rn
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
The happy life.. 😊
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support