How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
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If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Nothing to do, you say?