I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
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Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
🤣😂🤣
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed