wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
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‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Me checking my bank balance online.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Was it something I said?
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.