[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
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Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.