The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
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Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.