Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
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ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
#SaturdayBears
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn