Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
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somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
is nasa ok
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?