awesome draft from months ago i just found
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People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets