The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
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thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
stand with me against insufficient seating
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask