I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
You Might Also Like
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-