[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
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50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy