[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
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no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.