ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
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I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
how high up are we talkin’?
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.