My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
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What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Mistakes were made
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Whoa 😂
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
😂😂
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.