My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
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GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen