Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
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I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Meow?
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair