Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
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Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.