[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
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This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.