“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger