The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
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This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée