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The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
It do be feeling this way.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet