Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
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me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
The glory of fall.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend