Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
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I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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Only $139.95! Act now!
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.