I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
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I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Welcome to the stomach
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.