I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
You Might Also Like
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.