It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
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when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.