As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
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Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Is this a threat?