Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
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INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I’m too immature for adultery.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.