My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
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I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.