Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
You Might Also Like
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper