Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
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When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Cinematography is my passion
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.