Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
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Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I am HOWLING at this
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
What in the hipster hell is going on here
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?