My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
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wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.