It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
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#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.