Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
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Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
My dress code is business-casualty.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*