Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
You Might Also Like
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.