Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
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#SCOTUS one-star review
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I’ve been drinking.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Taliband
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.