I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
You Might Also Like
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
They’re called werewolves.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.