Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
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life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?