Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
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I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
it must be school picture day
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.