First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
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“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..