*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
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If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.