Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
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2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue