I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
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My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.