gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
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Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Phones down.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost