My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
You Might Also Like
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
2 years later
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.